Women and Submission

I was binging the show House. It’s a medical drama that focuses on the case of the week as well as following the lives of the main characters. Each episode opens with a scene about the patient of the week. You know – cheerleader passes out in the middle of a routine with a mysterious illness; groom has a seizure at his wedding and develops a mysterious illness; or woman develops welts on her body as part of a yes, you guessed it – mysterious illness.

This was a mainstream show when it came out, so I was very surprised that one of the opening scenes included the following scenario: a woman is in her home. It’s quiet and there’s an ominous feeling in the air. She has just gotten out of the shower, clears the steam off the bathroom mirror and is attacked by a masked intruder. He picks her up forcibly and throws her down on the bed. She is struggling and fighting him and, as the viewer, you think this is turning into a crime drama show. But the attacker begins to have trouble breathing. Surprisingly, the woman then goes to his aid and asks if he’s okay. It turns out that this is a married couple doing some role playing and acting out a sexual fantasy. Of course, the man ends up in Dr. House’s care with a mysterious illness.

After watching this enthralling scene, I had to take a moment. There’s a fantasy that a lot of women don’t talk about – the rape fantasy. I do not take lightly what countless women have gone through as they have been raped for real. It is horrible, life-changing, unacceptable, and criminal. I don’t even like to use the term “rape fantasy” because rape is not the thing that is fantasized about. It’s really about dominance and submission.

I like to think I’m the typical woman in many ways. I work, raise kids, and take care of the household, including a myriad of pets. In my job, I make decisions all day long. With my children, I make decisions all day long. Even with the pets, I make decisions. I must mind the finances, appointments, and all other things that keep our lives in control. A person in this situation can develop decision and control fatigue.

Note to guys – one of the best date nights you can plan is one where she doesn’t have to make a single decision. You pick the movie, the restaurant, even the wine, and that might be her best date ever.

But how does all this play out in the bedroom?

Many women are tired of the decision-making and controlling every aspect of their lives. And that’s where these fantasies come in. Whether the fantasy is to be “attacked” in your home by a stranger or tied to the bed with no use of your arms and legs or to be gagged and not allowed to speak a word, these are all situations where her control has been handed over to her trusted partner. And that can be as sexy as hell.

“Trusted partner” is key, of course. These powerful women that dominate their own lives day after day will likely not just hand over control to anyone. Once you become that trusted person and have received consent for the actions that will follow, you can both enter a world of submission and domination. As with most things, communication is key. What will she allow? What brings her joy (and not in a Marie Kondo kind of way)? The more communication you have ahead of time, the more you can dive into this fantasy of total submission and domination without pause. Although, at first, a pause may be necessary. You may need to stop and ask, “Is this okay?” or “Do you like it like this?” As with anything, practice makes perfect, and this practice is way better than piano practice.

Women – your trusted partner may be afraid to push the envelope. You must make clear what is okay and what is not okay. The clearer you are, the more titillating it will be in the moment.

Now back to that taboo fantasy. Many women do have the rape fantasy and are very unlikely to share that fact. That’s the whole thing with taboo topics. We don’t talk about them for fear of being judged. Even as I write this, I worry about the backlash of addressing such a taboo subject. I don’t ever want a woman to be raped. I do want women to assert their desire for dominance and submission, however that may end up looking. And after watching that scene unfold on House, I can conclude that this is a somewhat common fantasy.

It may not be a full-blown fantasy like the one portrayed in House, with framed pictures being knocked off the wall. And all I can think of is that someone’s going to have to clean up all that broken glass. But handcuffs, ropes, gags, scarves, or even just a firm grip can all simulate that feeling of having no control while receiving pleasure. And for some of us, that feeling is orgasmic.